The Bookish Adventures of Juliana Greene: Harry Potter
by the turquoise goldfish
Summary: (See- The Bookish Adventures of Juliana Greene: Percy Jackson) During a Harry Potter marathon with her best friends Lana and Brit, Jules Green manages to wake up during breakfast in the Great Hall. Now a fourth-year Gryffindor, she has to deal with Umbridge, Malfoy, and... oh yeah. Has she mentioned she had literally no idea how to do magic?
1. Chapter 1

**HELLO FRIENDS! So, this is the SECOND INSTALLATION of The Bookish Adventures of Juliana Greene series. The first one, in the Percy Jackson category, which is aptly named The Bookish Adventures of Juliana Greene: Percy Jackson. **

**QUICK RECAP: Jules Greene is a super-fangirl, falls asleep on the bus, and wakes up in a cabin on the Argo II. Everyone's memories have been mysteriously altered to think she's been there in Camp Half-Blood all along. Hecate (her goddess mom) tells her she has the special power to travel through the dimensions. So does Rick Riordan. She accidentally brings one of her best friends (Alana Silverstein) in too. Um... so, then she manages to befriend/woo Nico DiAngelo. Hecate gives her a choice: She can stay there forever, and fight Gaea, while her body will go into a coma in the her world, or she can go home. She picks going home, but retains her memories. Turns out, she can bring the Mist back into her world and open portals there. It's really weird. **

**ANYWAYS, ENJOY.**

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><p>"You're lying," insisted Brit. "You expect me to believe some weird story about you two traveling to the world of Percy Jackson?"<p>

"Um, yes, because it's _true!_"

She shook her head and laughed. "God. And, you expect me believe that you, _you_, somehow seduced Nico Di Angelo into being your boyfriend."

"Gee, thanks."

Lana took a bite of her pasta. We were sitting in the cafeteria, eating lunch, the literal day after. I was trying desperately to convince Brit that I could dimension-hop when I slept. "Ish twoo," she mumbled around her mouthful of food.

"Prove it," demanded Brit.

I stood up, and shook my apple slice at her. "Deal."

* * *

><p>"Watch," I said. We were standing in my room. I concentrated, and I started to call the Mist. But- something happened. I could feel it pulsing just out of reach, straining and pushing against the fabric of reality.<p>

But there was nothing.

"Brit, leave the room," said Lana. As soon as the door was closed behind her, magic bloomed from me like a flower. The air crackled with the rich smell of leather and spices. "Back!" Lana commanded. But when Brit peeked inside, the white pearly Mist steamed back into my hands.

"Do you smell ginger?" she asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Crap," I cursed. "What do think this means?"  
>"Dunno," replied Lana. "Maybe we're affected with some kind of dimension-y energy now, that allows us to keep in contact with the PJverse?"<p>

"Oh, come on you guys," Brit laughed, shaking her head. "This has gone on long enough."

"No, seriously!" I insisted. "Give us one more chance!"

She rubbed her temples. "One more."

Full circle. Lana and me were sitting on the bus, chatting. "So does this mean it's just going to be us two, like, forever?"

"I don't know. Let's retrace our steps. Did you fall asleep after me two days ago? Or did I pull you in or something?"

"No, I fell asleep too. Like, five minutes after you."

"What happened?"

"I closed my eyes, then BAM! Standing in the dining room of the Argo II. With dinner on the table. I mean, I hadn't eaten breakfast that day. So that was good."

Hmm. "So we need to get Brit to fall asleep immediately after me, right?"

"I guess?"

"You know what I'm going to say now, right?"

"Um… sleepover?"

"This Friday."

"I'll ask my mom." We shook hands.

* * *

><p>"And this is supposed to help… how?" Brit asked, shaking her head. "Look, it's really time you guys drop the act. This has gone on long enough."<p>

"No, c'mon!" Lana complained. "Just give us a chance!"

"Yeah," I pleaded. "Please?" I widened my eyes, and pouted. I picked up one of the eight Harry Potter DVD's lying around. "How could you say no to Daniel Radcliffe?"

"How could you say no to Emma Watson?" Lana muttered.

"Okay, fine! But for the record, I'm just doing it to spend sixteen hours watching Harry Potter."

"I love you."

"As you should, child."

It was four in the afternoon, and we were settling in to literally not move from the couch until the next morning. Sandwiches over there. Lemonade over there. If you need to go to bathroom, _too freaking bad_.

I didn't remember much beyond the fifth movie. Sometime during that period, I'm pretty sure I blacked out. I shut my eyes, exhaled slowly, and let myself drift asleep.

* * *

><p>Next thing I knew, someone was shaking me awake. "Uhhh… go away," I mumbled.<p>

"Jules! Get up! We're going to be late for Potions!"

"Uh huh, yeah sure whatever."

Hang on.

Potions?

I flung myself up, and took in my surroundings. I was sitting at a long wooden table full of kids and breakfast foods, in a giant hall full of more kids and breakfast foods.

Whipping my head around, I stared at the girl who had shaken me. She was really pretty, with straight, ginger hair and a smattering of freckles.

"_Ginny?_"

"Erm, yes?"

I looked down at myself. No. _No._ In addition to a pleated skirt, black Hogwarts robes and flipping knee socks, I was wearing a… a Gryffindor tie.

SUCCESS! SUCCESS! I DID IT! I AM AMAZING! I wanted to scream. _Ha ha ha, oh my god oh my god, I'm in Hogwarts! I'm in Gryffindor! I'M GONNA DIE!_

"We're in the, uh, same year, right?"

"Of course. Are you okay?" Ginny asked with a nervous look. I didn't blame her.

"Do I like, hang out with Luna?"

"Jules, do you need to see Madame Pomfrey?"

"I'm fine. It's just… yeah. I'm good. All is good. Everything is fine."

"Oh!" I clapped my hands. Immediately, Lana and Brit stumbled through the doors of the Great Hall. Lana was wearing Ravenclaw colors, but Brit was still in her pajamas. "Lana's finally here," Ginny mumbled around her waffle. "But who's that?"

"Lana- what? How do you know who Lana is?"

"Because we've known her for four years? Jules, I really think something's wrong. Did you accidentally Obliviate yourself again?"

Ha. Looks like I never changed. But then, maybe me and Lana were affected with some River Song time energy or something, that altered the memories of the people around us.

Awesome! I AM RIVER SONG.

"Um… that's Brittany Halloway," I said. "She… um… can you still get sorted in fourth year?"

"I think you'd have to ask Dumbledore."

Oh crap. Dumbledore! Who'd only live for, um… one more year?

I was out of there like that. "BRIT!" I screamed across the Great Hall. "LOOK AT ME! LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME I WAS RIGHT!"

She had tears in her eyes. "I will never doubt you again."

"I'M IN RAVENCLAW!" squealed Lana. Then I realized everyone in the room was staring at us. Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows.

"I HAVE TO GO SEE DUMBLEDORE!" I shouted at her. "BYE!"

This was so cool. We were so cool. I grabbed Brit and Lana's hands and ran.

**Okay thank you goodbye. **

**-the turquoise goldfish**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay so I know it's been forever since I updated and I'm really really sorry we are SO BUSY in Creative Writing, like we have to submit all this stuff to all these national contests and I wrote a 7,000 word short story in a week and it turns out I was supposed to DOUBLE SPACE it so I can't even submit it and everything has JUST BEEN HORRIBLE IN GENERAL OKAY OH MY GOD. **

**Sorry about that. You guys are my vent.**

* * *

><p>We were up two staircases before I realized we had no idea how to get to Dumbledore's office.<p>

"Why don't we ask one of the paintings?" Lana suggested.

"Good idea," Brit nodded. She hurried over to a portrait of young wizard with bright purple hair. The plaque on his frame read Everett Ciderwillows II.

"Hey man," she greeted. "Do you know how to get to Dumbledore's office?"

"Don't you know?" the guy gasped. "How frightfully simple-minded."

"Can it, you jerk. Are you gonna tell us or not?"

"That way," he sighed, pointing up- OH JOY- another staircase.

"Thanks!"

Through _way _to much running and a lot of portrait asking/threatening, we finally arrived at the familiar gargoyles.

"Kit-Kat, Milky Way, Twizzlers, lollipops, Gummi-Bears… um… what do British people eat? Mars Bars?" recited Lana.

"You need to do wizard candy, remember?" I reminded her.

"Oh, yeah! Ice-Mice, Fire Imps, Chocoballs, Lemon Drops, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans…"

"JELLY SLUGS!" Brit interrupted.

The statue slid open. "What does that guy do in his spare time?" she muttered.

"Dumbledore?" I asked, knocking on the carved wooden doors. "You in there, bro?"

"Be polite!" Lana hissed.

The doors seemingly swung open by themselves. Except- they didn't seem. This was magic! Okay. Start over.

The doors swung open by themselves. Dumbledore, looking _exactly like I imagined him_, sat as his desk. He peered at us over his half-moon spectacles.

"Come in, girls."

"Um…"

"Hello, sir," Brit nodded. "We'll sit ourselves down, thank you very much."

She pulled up a couple of chairs, and made an impatient motion. _Oh, Brittany. Nothing fazes her._

"I assume you know why we've come," she stated.

"Memory Charms have a habit of not working on me," Dumbledore agreed. "You'll want to get Sorted, now, correct?"

"Mm-hmm."

Me and Lana just sat there looking amazed. Harry didn't lie. There really were a _lot_ of spindly silver things everywhere.

Brit- dear God- actually walked over to a shelf, pulled off the Sorting Hat, and stuck it on her head. She barely had time to breathe before it shouted "GRYFFINDOR!"

"Awesome! We can room together!" She high-fived me.

"Um… yes! Fantabulous!" I snapped out of it. "Plus also Ginny."

"She's not bad, that one."

"Think she'll teach us her Bat-Bogey Hex?"

Lana looked rather put out. "Oh my gosh, you guys. Jealous!"

"Hey, you get Luna!"

"Oh, yeah! Sweet!"

Dumbledore was watching the three of us with a quietly amused expression. "Miss Greene, will you do Miss Halloway the honor of escorting her to the common room? I'm sure she'll want to get settled. And Lana, you'll want to run along to the Astronomy Tower." He wrote something down, and handed it to us. "Late passes."

"Thanks!" Lana smiled sarcastically. "I have no idea where I'm going, or how to do magic, but everything is totally going to be wonderful!"

"Your friends will help you," Dumbledore sighed, shaking his head.

"Lana!" I whispered. "_Respect_!"

"Um… sorry," she blushed. Lana had major "filter issues", to put it lightly.

"Thanks for your help, Headmaster," Brit nodded. "We'll be leaving now."

"Good luck at Hogwarts, you three," he replied. As we left, he shouted something. "Don't forget to take off the Sorting Hat!"

* * *

><p>"I can't <em>believe<em> you sassed Albus Dumbledore?" Brit cried, as soon as we were back in the hallway.

Lana shrugged. "I stop for no man."

"Do either of you know how to get to our common rooms?" I interrupted.

"Nope. How'd you get around the Argo II?" Brit sighed, running a hand through her short hair.

"It was a ship. And the bits didn't move around."

"Fair point."

I waved the late passes at them. "Wanna wander around until we get caught?"

"You know it."

* * *

><p>After about twenty minutes, we emerged from the kitchens with our pockets stuffed full with cookies, candy, cake, and assorted biscuits. Lana almost burst into tears at the sight of Dobby.<p>

To be fair, so did I.

"I w'ove 'dis," Brit mumbled around a mouthful of treacle tart. "I dunno wha' the hell I'm ea'in, but it's awesome."

"You do know we're skipping class on our first day, right?"

"Li' Dumbl'dore cares."

"But seriously," Lana agreed. "We can't just slack off all the time. Hogwarts is still a school."

"Where our grades won't matter." Brit wrapped up the rest of her sweets in a bit of paper. "Saving _that_ for Potions."

"You're hopeless."

"Good."

Just then, a fantastic thing happened.

That thing was Luna Lovegood.

"Hello, Lana!" she called cheerfully.

"LUNA!" Lana squealed.

"Oh, that's very nice. I do love it when people are enthusiastic about meeting me."

"Um, do you know how to find the common room?"

"Yes."

"Will you show us?"

"We _are_ late for Herbology, aren't we?"

"Yes."

"Won't we get punished?"

"Pass from Dumbledore."

"Don't you know how to find your own room?"

"No."

Luna shrugged. With delight, I realized she was wearing her little radish earrings. I WAS THIS GIRL FOR COMIC-CON. THIS WAS NOT SOMETHING YOU GOT TO EXPERIENCE TWICE.

"Alright. Come on then, Lana." She turned back the way she'd come. "And you two, if you want."

"Hell yes, we want!" Brit whispered to me.

* * *

><p>Luna dropped the two of us off at the Gryffindor common room. (Thank god it was her, and not a teacher. I didn't think Professor McGonagall would've been quite as accommodating if she'f found out we'd forgotten where our bedrooms were.)<p>

"Password?" asked the Fat Lady.

"Um… open sesame?"

"Nope."

"Abracadabra?"

"Not even close."

"I can bite through paper when necessary?" offered Brit.

The Fat Lady sighed dramatically, and swung open. We climbed in with utter glee. Honestly though, the common room was really neat. There were a bunch of motley-colored armchairs and couches everywhere, and a roaring flame in the huge fireplace.

The girls dormitory was actually almost the same as the guy's in the movies. Just row of four-poster beds draped in red velvet. Two of them looked neatly made, and had old-fashioned suitcases respectively labeled _Juliana G and Brittany H_. When I opened mine, I found a couple more Hogwarts robes, some of my clothes from home for wearing under said robes, and… oh my god.

A wand.

It was long and deep, hazelnut brown. When I shook it, it didn't bend either. I turned to see Brit holding her own cherry-colored one with a look of perfect happiness.

"I shall call him Bob," she murmured.


	3. Chapter 3

**HELLO GUESS WHAT I'M STILL ALIVE!**  
><strong>I've just been having a lot of problems because 1. the HPverse requires a heck lot of research since it is SO DETAILED AND AMAZING and 2. I'm trying to write this novelly-bookish thing and my goal is a page a day and THOUGH I'VE BEEN DOING THAT it's VERY TIME CONSUMING AND I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND IT. Now that I'm done making excuse BACK TO THE STORY.<strong>

* * *

><p>"Um… okay?"<p>

"What about you?"

"What about me what?"

"What are you naming your wand?"

"Evelyn."

"Why?"

"She looks like an Evelyn."

"Evelyn and Bob. Perfection, mademoiselle."

On top of my nightstand was a stack of textbooks. Potions, Book Four! Gleeful amazing joy!

I really hoped this magic stuff was just going to come naturally. Would there be anything more embarrassing then being the only fourteen-year old Muggleborns in first year?

I waved my wand._ Swish and flick_. "Wingardium Leviosa!" A silk pillow wobbled for a moment, then lifted an inch. _Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god_. I swung my wand to the left. The pillow followed, like it was on a string. _Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth hahaha_ oh my god.

"MAGIC IS EASY," I announced loudly.

"You do realized we're probably charmed to be able to do this without practice, right?"

"Shush. I hear nothing." Yeah, sure, Dumbledore had most likely "bent the guidelines" so I could do this, but who cared?

"What do we have?" Brit asked. "Potions?"

"Joy."

"Hey! I like Snape. Snape is my fave."

"Snape is a bastard."

"How can you _say_ that?!"

We left to find the Potions classroom, arguing all the way.

* * *

><p>The door was locked. Obviously. A Rickman-esque voice trickled from inside, instructing a classroom on the proper way to mix Mandrake oil and dried gurdyroot with a silver spoon.<p>

"What do we do?" I hissed.

"Knock."

"What?"

Brit rapped hard on the wooden door, and didn't stop until it flung open to reveal a very angry middle-aged man with long _greasy_ hair. "Miss Green, Miss Halloway, do you care to explain why you are half an hour late?" A couple ratty Slytherins- DOUBLE POTIONS!- snickered. _Jesus. Are we really those girls now?_

"I have a late pass from Dumbledore, Sna- Professor Snape," Brit explained smoothly, striding past him to an empty desk in the back of the room.

Snape looked like he wanted to slap her, but nodded tightly and shut the door. And ugh, was that Potions classroom gross. The stone walls were slimy and damp, and there was not a window to be seen. (At least normal school had that going for it.) The whole space smelled of mildew. Blech.

The class started chattering, and I realized we had been given our instructions. The chalkboard- CHALKBOARD- read Anti-Paralysis Potion, along with a list of ingredients. Did we have textbooks? A cauldron? Any idea what we were doing?

_No?_ What fun!

Across the room, Ginny waved at us. (She was partnered with Colin Creevy.) _Well, somebody's late, _she mouthed.

"Silence, Miss Weasley," Snape barked from his desk.

"But I didn't-"

"I said_ silence_! Five points from Gryffindor for your… insubordination."

Like a flipping bat.

Anyways. We got a zero.

Duh.

* * *

><p>Ginny caught up with us after class. "Did you guys seriously forget to bring your cauldron?"<p>

"Ginny, I have a confession to make," I muttered. "Lana, Brit, and me are inter-dimensional travelers who come from a universe where you guys are like, the most popular book series ever. I think. We arrived here during breakfast. Your memories are fake."

She was silent for a moment as we climbed up to Charms with Professor Flitwick. "So… are we not friends anymore?"

"What?! No! Oh my god. No."

"However," Brit put in, "I'll tell you your future for a Galleon."

"I haven't got a Galleon on me," Ginny shrugged.

"Alright, fine. You make out with Harry. And then you marry him. And you have three adorable children named Lily Luna, James Sirius, and… um… Albus Severus."

Ginny was white as a sheet, but a slow blush was creeping up her neck. "Wha- how- you're lying!"

"And Dumbledore is gay."

"BRIT!" I slapped her arm.

Ginny blew her hair out of her face. "Called it. Astoria Greengrass owes me a butterbeer."

"Astoria Greengrass… you wanna know who she ends up wi-"

"Shut up!" I protested.

"Malfoy."

Ginny burst into laughter as we entered the classroom. "No!"

"Scorpius. Hyperion. Malfoy. And he might end up with Ron and Hermione's daughter but that's not one hundred percent canon yet. Not sure."

"Dear MERLIN, I cannot take any more of you."

* * *

><p>Charms was officially my favorite class.<p>

Well, I only had Potions to compare it to, and Potions kinda sucked. I got that Snape is really tortured and has awesome character development and I LOVED HIM FOR IT, but being in class with the guy was not my idea of a good time.

And it was weird. As Ginny, Brit and I met up with Neville (SQUEAL!), Luna and Lana, it should have been night back home. But being in London in the eighties was enough of a time-skip that I felt wide awake.

"You good?" I asked Lana, as she twisted her hair into a chignon with her new wand.

"Fantastic. Absolutely astonishingly fantastic!"

"We should have come last year, though. The Tri-Wizard Tournament could've been superfun."

"Mm… so many crossovertunities."

"Crossovertunities?"

"Crossover Opportunities. You dasn't forget Barty Crouch Jr?"

"I dasn't." Lana consistently fell in love with fictional characters/their real-life acting counterparts. Need a list?

Emma Watson, David Tennant, Matthew Lewis, Benedict Cumberbatch, Karen Gillan, Tom Hiddleston… too many to count.

I swear.

Anyways.

Apparently, Brit, Lana and I had become the new Ginny-Luna-Neville, or Harry-Ron-Hermione. Brit-Lana-Jules. Instead of the Golden Trio, we could be the Rainbow Trio! We could save the Ministry of Magic on thestrals! We could fight in the Second Great Wizarding War! We could overthrow Umbridge in the legendary Weasley Prank War, which by my count would happen by the end of the year!

Oh my god. Umbridge.

That nasty little bugger.

She was in the Great Hall too, in a fluffy bubblegum sweater Brit's little sister wouldn't be caught dead in. (Brit had a little sister named Victoria and an older brother named John, and Lana had a college-age sister named Kaylee. I was an only child, which didn't really bug me that much. Stuff was cool.)

And, according to my schedule, I had her NEXT! FANTABULOUS JOY!

Ugh.

Really though, Hogwarts food was pretty good. I never thought I'd like pumpkin juice, but it was actually… pumpkin-spice-lattéish with a little bit of whipped cream and cinnamon.

Hermione was sitting next to Lana, and wonder of wonders, it turned out that she had seen the Paul McGann Doctor Who movie (it was 1996, anyways) and thought it was silly but a bit interesting.

Lana told her to wait until she was twenty six in 2005. Her exact words were "and you will see."

Ginny, I could tell, was trying her hardest not to stare at Harry, who looked like he was having an eating contest with Ron. "Three. Children," I whispered in her ear.

"Mixed feelings."

"So does he."

"Ew!"

* * *

><p><strong>*blows kiss*<strong>

**I'll try to update soon but don't hold your breath... Also P.S next chapter introduces DRACO MALFOY (*swoon/slap*)**


	4. Chapter 4

**BEFORE YOU YELL AT ME, LET ME EXPLAIN. **

**So, this chapter isn't that long because I got really really sick for about a week and I was on all these antibiotics and stuff. But then I thought- rather then spend another couple of days getting the length up to par, might as well just upload right away! Tada!**

**Also: I literally never anticipated how much research this would take. HP has it's own timeline, with specific dates and everything, so for those of you with OCD, the date is October 30th, 1995 (and I made a tiny mistake in referencing Doctor Who, but just ignore that plot hole and pretend everything is wondermazing!)**

**:D!**

* * *

><p>What was next? Ooh!<p>

Defense Against the Dark Arts! WHAT A JOY!

I mean, yes Snape is kind of a bastard and yes Voldemort is a TOTAL bastard but DOLORES UMBRIDGE TOOK THE CAKE. I just hoped I wouldn't get detention (*snort*). Self-mutilation isn't my cup of tea.

On the way out of the Great Hall- extra food stuffed in my bag for snacks during class!- I was looking the other way, talking to Lana when SLAM! I toppled into something.

Oh. Not something. Some_one_.

More importantly, a handsome blonde fellow in Slytherin colors bearing a _distinct resemblance_ to Tom Felton.

"Watch where you're going, you little Mudblood," he sneered.

Not just a resemblance then. "Don't call her a Mudblood, you egotistical freak!" Lana seethed.

"Why should I?"

Jesus, for such an attractive guy he sure was kind of a douchebag.

"You'll _stop_ because your behaviour is absolutely _revolting_. I never want to hear you call her, me, or Brit a _Mudblood_ again -Hermione, too- or I'll read you all the Drapple fanfiction I can lay my hands on!"

"_Drapple?_"

"You_ don't_ wanna know." Lana grabbed my arm and we swept regally away. But as soon as we were out of earshot, both of us broke down. "Oh. My. God," she choked. "Oh my god oh my god oh my god!"

"What was that?!" Brit practically screamed, catching up with us. Ginny high-fived me. "I don't know what you did, but you did it good."

"Drapple is um… Draco paired with an apple."

She clamped a hand over her mouth. "What."

"Yeah," I shrugged. "All the smut."

"WHAT."

Luna drifted between us, her radish (Gurdyroot?) earrings dangling almost to her shoulders. "It's not a very widely understood topic," she mused.

"Drapple?" Lana asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Yes… human/fruit relations in general. I think it's a bit odd personally." She wandered off into the crowd.

"What's that girl smoking?" whispered Lana.

"Be nice!"

"I'd pick honesty over niceness. Candor FTW!"

"Exactly."

Lana and Luna had double Herbology, so we said our goodbyes to them and Neville (who was already fifteen) and headed to DADA. Suddenly, Ginny inhaled sharply, and clamped a hand to her pocket.

"What is it?" Brit asked, frowning.

"Nothing, DA meeting tonight." She pulled out a Galleon, with today's date emblazoned on it. "Why- oh, yeah. You don't have coins… well, you can follow me."

I'll spare you the details. In any case, it seemed I had built a preconceived reputation with Professor Umbridge. She spent the whole class shooting me little looks, looks that plainly said _You're dead meat, freak_. If there was ever a polar opposite of Percy's baby seal, it was this lady.

But like, I've read Order of the Phoenix. I knew Umbridge was just a jerk. she was a straight-up abusive Mean Girl. A Mean Girl who used freaking _Cruciatus Curses _on students. Seriously, that is_ so_ messed up.

After DADA, we had double Transfiguration, where I spent the entire time mouthing insults at Malfoy and only Ginny managed to successfully turn a stick of celery into a garden snake. It was pretty funny actually- his face got redder and redder until he looked like a blonde raspberry.

Well, at least until McGonagall scolded us. But mostly him.

Mostly him.

As we left class, Brit whispered in my ear "If Lana wasn't a giant lesbian I'd totally ship them. They're, like, the same."

"He has to marry Astoria Greengrass, remember?"

"I know, but _dating_._ Dating_ isn't _marrying_. It's _dating_. Besides, Lana_ is_ a giant lesbian so there's nothing we can do."

"Well, I thought Nico was gay until I kissed him."

"Blech. In any case, Lana is not going to kiss Draco Malfoy."

"_Please_."

"And thank you. Isn't that right, Drakey-Poo?" she commented snidely to a certain ferrety Slytherin.

"Merlin help me, if we weren't in class right now I'd hex you into oblivion, Mudblood."

"I'd hex you into oblivion if I knew any hexes, pureblood." She flipped her hair and sashayed away.

"Lana and Malfoy? You and Malfoy! The chemistry is obvious," Ginny commented. "Sparks flying."

"Jesus!" Brit punched her lightly in the arm. "Go away!"

"Seriously!"

"Wow, that would so be us," I sung as we left. "Soaring through dimensions, picking up fictional men… I can see it- we'd have awesome outfits and our hair would blow in the solar wind."

"I'll kill you. I'll kill you BOTH. _I'll cut off your noses with a kitchen knife._"

"Jesus. Cool it."

"Look," Brit explained, annoyed. "Malfoy is one of my favorite characters, I admit. But just because I like _reading_ about him doesn't mean I actually enjoy _spending time_ with the loser."

"I know, I know. You make an excellent point. Can we please get to the DA meeting now?"

"Oh! Yes," Ginny interrupted, flicking the fake Galleon out of her pocket and doing a delighted little spin. "We're doing… the Impediment Jinx, I think. And tomorrow's Halloween, did you know? I nearly forgot."

"Do we dress up?" I asked. "Is that a thing? Do we get to dress up?"

"Um… no? Just the feast, really."

"Gods of Olympus. That sucks."

She shrugged. "I dunno. I mean, I guess they do costumes in America, but it's not really a big deal here."

"We'll see about that."

The entire day had gone by super fast. Theoretically, Lana, Brit and I hadn't actually slept in something like twenty hours, plus transatlantic jet-lag, but I didn't feel tired at all. Actually, the same thing had happened on the Argo II. Somehow, the fake sleep that I'd gotten, whether it be knocked out in a cabin or asleep at the breakfast table, worked it's magic. Even my hair was brushed, though I certainly hadn't brushed it.

There was still a lot to learn about my dimension-traveling powers. I didn't know why they had emerged now, or how many infinite universes there were, or even how many other people had powers like I did. And this time, I didn't even have a creepy goddess mom watching over me.

Well, not that I liked Hecate that much. But she was semi-helpful at least.

I'd need to talk with Lana and Brit after the DA. But there was still dinner…

Lord. Hogwarts was almost as bad as _real school_.

(Except_ not at all_, because it was _magic school_.)

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><p><strong><em>Drapple.<em> Really.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, guys. It's time for me to admit something- writing a novel is freaking hard. I was all prepared to just puns out 50k in a couple months but IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. At least this is an extra long chapter... **

**Also, search up FERRET COSTUMES FOR PEOPLE. You won't regret it.**

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><p>We had to split up into groups to leave the Great Hall without suspicion- I went with Lana and Brit, after Harry, Ron, and Hermione, since we didn't really know how to get there. The three of us caught up with them just outside the doors.<p>

"Okay, so has Ginny filled you in during dinner right?"

"Yes," Hermione nodded enthusiastically. "It's all so fascinating! I can't believe… I mean, there was always speculation about multiple universes, but there's only been a few cases of beings claiming to be _from_ a different dimension in recorded history! Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?"

"Merlin's beard, 'Mione," Ron groaned. "Slow down."

"Just because _you _have the intelligence of a toothbrush, Ronald, doesn't mean the rest of us do," Lana filled in with satisfaction.

"Come on," I motioned. "We have to get there before the others."

"Yeah, you're right," Harry agreed. "This way."

"Also, FYI," Brit noted distractedly, "the reason Malfoy is such a bastard to you, Hermione, is because he likes you."

"What?!" Hermione screeched.

"Nothing. Let's go."

That was something different about being in the Harry Potter-verse. We knew exactly what was going to happen, who liked who and who married who. Which was fun, in a god-like sorta way.

"Besides. Lavender Brown is a slut."

Leaving that hanging in the air, I dragged them away.

"_Impedimentia!_"

Lana flew backwards and landed in a pile of cushions. "WOO!" she shouted. "AGAIN!"

The Room of Requirement was filled with pairs of screaming, hexing teenagers. Harry and Hermione wandered about helping. "Nice," Harry had complimented Brit on her successful tossing of Zacharias Smith into… well, into the wall, earning a furious scowl from the injured Hufflepuff twat. (Like, she'd "meant" to hit Ginny, but…)

Actually, I was really excited to learn the patronus charm. Ever Potterhead tries to imagine it, but now _I'd actually get to know_.

I hoped it was a pygmy elephant. Or a llama! Jesus Christ, a _llama_!

"Switch places!" Harry called. Lana leapt up from the ground and swung her wand at me. "Impedimetia!"

I went flying. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?!"

Lana swished her hair out of her face and blew imaginary smoke off the tip of her wand. "I need to hone my Voldemort-slaying skills."

"Damn right you do. You couldn't hurt a capybara."

"A capybara?"

"A _cabybara_. You're weak."

"Why you little…" she seethed. "Impedimentia! Impedimentia! Impedimentia!" The world went tumbling around my head. First I slammed into the wall, then was thrown forwards in slow-motion. After a brief stint upside down, I crashed on my head. _Graceful, Jules. Real smooth_.

"Um… I probably shouldn't do three at once," Lana said sheepishly.

I gave her a weary thumbs-up. "You go, girl."

Suddenly, we realized the entire room was silent. Fred Weasley wolf-whistled, a lone sound in the midst of quiet.

"Back to work!" Hermione shouted, waving her hands. "Good job, Lana."

"Thanks."

I rubbed the back of my neck. "This hurts. You hurt me. I hate you."

"Good," Lana replied. She flipped her hair with the back of her hand. "Hey, did you know there's this Ravenclaw named Anthony Goldstein?"

"Oh yeah, he's Jewish right? J.K Rowling tweeted about it."

"I think so." Lana's mom was from Israel, and her dad was a German Jew, which meant she'd had a gigantic bat mitzvah last year with a three-tier cake with a TARDIS on top.

"Goldstein, Silverstein," I mused. "Bronzestein? Platinumstein?"

"No."

It was the night before Halloween, and me, Brit, Ginny, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Luna, Fred, George and Lana were all sprawled around the Gryffindor common room. Hermione was good at sewing spells, and was trying to magick up costumes according to our tastes.

"You should be a carrot, Ron," Brit said, from her position hanging upside down in an overstuffed red and gold armchair.

"Hey!"

Hermione and Harry were much more conscious of pop culture, and discussed possible outfits in the flickering firelight. Actually, much to Lana's delight, Hermione decided on going as the Fourth Doctor. We were trying to convince Harry to darken his glasses and go as John Lennon. (Which went a little something like this: Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease? NO!)

"You guys!" I shouted, rolling over on the carpet to face them. "Let's dress Malfoy up as a ferret!"

"Oh, what? Yes!" Lana squealed. "Oh my God, yes!" Hermione immediately waved her arms and brought, according to our specifications, into existence the most adorable full-body ferret onesie ever made.

"Who wants to sneak into the Slytherin common room and use a sticking charm to force Malfoy into it?"

"Me!" Hermione volunteered gleefully.

"I will," I agreed.

"I'll go," said Fred and George at the same time. "Both of us will."

"This is too good to miss," George snickered.

"Great," Lana said with all the air of an awesome lady supervillain boss. "Ginny, you're in charge of tying Harry up and enchanting peace signs on his glasses. Go!"

How to force your way into the bedroom of one of the biggest jerks in Hogwarts armed with the two biggest pranksters of the generation, the brightest witch of her age, magic, and sarcasm? It was a question nobody knew how to answer. TBH, nobody even knew where to start, until Fred revealed he'd pinched the Marauder's Map from Harry's trunk. "Looking for something, ladies?"

"A true hero." George tipped an imaginary hat his way.

"Okay, let me see that," Hermione said, grabbing the map and turning it the right way up. The Fat Lady watched up disapprovingly, but didn't say anything. Hey, she was guarding Gryffindor after all. "The Slytherin common room is behind the stone wall, we know that. The password in second year was Pure-blood, but of course that's changed. Something equally prissy, though."

"Why don't we just bother somebody into giving it to us?" I asked.

"That would never work! Would it?"

"What about… Astoria Greengrass? She's in Slytherin."

"There is no chance that Astoria would be up at this-"

Fred broke in with excitement. "Coming down now! We have to hurry!"

The four of us broke into a weird broken half-run, trying to avoid Filch and Mrs. Norris while simultaneously cursing ourselves that we'd forgotten the Invisibility Cloak. As we got closer to the dungeons (seriously though, why does a boarding school even have dungeons?) it got colder and colder. Probably submerging ourselves in the lake. In any case, we caught Astoria Greengrass, tall and brunette, just about to speak the password necessary to make the section of the enchanted stone wall slide aside. "Astoria!" I hissed.

She turned around, surprised. "Jules? What are you doing here?"

"We need the password to the common room," Hermione explained. "We're going to stuff Malfoy in an enchanted ferret costume for Halloween." She pointed to the large mocha-colored fur onesie clutched in her arms. George was holding the embarrassingly gigantic ferret headpiece.

Astoria looked conflicted. "As much as I want to see that little brat wearing a ferret costume…"

"Please?" I whined. "It's for a good cause!"

"Meh. Sure." She turned to the entrance. "Emerald."

"Emerald?" Hermione snorted. "Wow, that is awful."

"I don't come up with them," Astoria shrugged in agreement. "Go on in."

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><p><strong>This is gonna be fun.<strong>


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